Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I can't believe I spent a whole train ride thinking about this

Parallels between the current U.S. Presidential campaign and the latter seasons of The West Wing. West Wing spoilers follow, but since the only people who watched the (increasingly crappy) last two seasons were myself and diehard Sorkin fanboys looking for cannon fodder, you're probably safe.

Primaries
Fiction: Republican contest wrapped up by Super Tuesday. Democrats deadlocked through to the convention, where a heart-tugging speech and plenty of backroom wheeling and dealing results in a candidate no one expected.

Fact: Republican contest wrapped up by Super Tuesday. Democrats...well...you were there.

Candidates
Fiction: Republicans field a respectable, no-nonsense "maverick" Senator with decades of experience who is in favour of abortion rights and doesn't attend church. He is played by Alan Alda. Democrats nominate a relatively inexperienced Congressman, the first Latino Presidential candidate from a major party.

Fact: Democrats - the same, only black and a Senator. Republicans - the same, but sadly five years removed from the things he actually believes. Saddest of all, Alan Alda is seemingly uninvolved.

Running Mates
Fiction: Democrats pick an ornery but beloved party veteran to counteract perceived inexperience at the top of the ticket. Republicans pick a young, attractive, frightening social conservative to counteract perceived common sense at the top of the ticket (aka "pander to the base").

Fact: Democrats, ditto. Republicans...actually, the truth is more far-fetched. The less I talk about her, the better for everyone.

Debates
Fiction: A much-touted debate sparks public interest, but is actually incredibly dull to watch.

Fact: Wake me up when they stop talking about that Joe guy.

TSN Turning Point
Fiction: A near-disaster at a nuclear plant in the Republican candidate's home state turns the tide of a nail-bitingly close race.

Fact: An actual disaster in the finances of the world causes America to come to its senses.

Predictions
Based solely on extrapolation from the eerily prescient (and Emmy-winning!) television series, the following things will definitely happen*.

  1. At some point during the campaign, Obama and Bush will eat ice cream straight from the bucket in the White House kitchen at midnight, and discuss their ideological differences with eloquence and civility. This has probably already happened.
  2. Obama's campaign manager and the campaign manager's former assistant/current campaign aide will finally give in to years of sexual tension on the eve of the election, givng rise to plenty of awkward election day hijinks and a bevy of Moments You've Been Waiting For.
  3. Joe Biden will die of a heart attack several hours before the polls close, and everyone will be very sad.
  4. A virual tie in the electoral college will bring it all down to the good people of Nevada. After Obama wins, he will appoint a bitter but still reasonable McCain as his new Secretary of State.
  5. Allison Janney will show up and do something awesome.
*only #5 is guaranteed.